i really just wish i could stop over thinking things and second guessing myself.
Sometimes I just wish that I could sit down and write a novel about my life and just hand it to everyone in it and be like, here this is what i’m going through. But it’s been too much for too long and my a.d.d. is too intense.
how the fuck do you tell the person you’re with you suffer from anxiety and depression? Like i’m just going to feel like a fucking dramatic freak. But it’s something serious. Like it’s going to effect everything about our relationship. But how do you just drop that bomb? What if he leaves and doesn’t even give me a chance? Good riddance i guess but it doesn’t make it any less scary. i.don’t.know.what.to.do.
This rant just went way off topic. Just want to crawl in a hole.
Why is it that when I start feeling happy, everything starts crumbling. Like my panic attacks die down, I start sleeping well again, I can let people’s words just roll off my shoulders, I can really focus on myself….Then I meet a boy, we start dating and I think wow this is way too good to be true. Then everything at home blows up. My mom starts treating me and my brothers like we’re selfish worthless beings and I just don’t have the strength to stand up for us anymore. It’s tiring when you’re always wrong. It gets tiring always trying to mend everything when hell i’m lucky if i can mend myself. And then it’s like great now my head is a fucking tornado again and i just want to be fucking happy. all i want is to be happy for one waking fucking moment. I just want one moment where everything is calm. My mind is racing. My mom refuses to see all the pain she’s caused us. All the “memories” and the “past” she doesn’t get that they are fucking scars. Scars she just re-opens. And she just has this way of making you feel like complete shit, like i start to feel bad because i’m like you know maybe she really does feel this way but it’s like god dammit you try and apologize and make her understand that you’re not trying to make her feel the way she’s feeling and she doesn’t want to here it. I’ve sat in counseling with her for so many sessions. So many fucking sessions of pouring my feelings out to her to try and make her understand. And you know what I’ve come to understand? I’m going to die having a relationship with my mother where I have to script anything I say to her because of how she may react. I’m going to die trying to explain to my mom how I feel and she’s going to die telling me how ungrateful and awful I am because my feelings are irrelevant because she’s the adult and “we don’t care about her” Granted I hide the fact that I’m so depressed because my dad thinks its a choice and my mom just doesn’t care to understand it. They think it’s some kind of act for attention so I don’t talk about it. And I cover it up. But it’s killing me and I just want their support and I want them to know how bad it really is but its like how do I do that? How do I take care of my needs before theres? Like I just need someone to fucking understand how scary this is. And how much it really effects everything I do. I feel so fucking hopeless all the time. And I’m sick of jokes that aren’t funny, I’m sick of no one trying to understand. I’m sick of going to family members and having them think this is just a dramatic rant. Sometimes I just want to write everything down in a journal and have them all read it. Because quite honestly i need fucking help. Like seriously. I really need help. But I just feel like they still won’t understand. They’ll never understand what it’s like. And everyone always tries to fix it by saying okay get up and go out and do this and do that and stay busy. Fucking no. Just no okay? I just want someone to sit with me and say you know what Nikki, I fucking get it. I want to listen to everything you have to say and everything going on in your head no judgements. And now my new boyfriend, which i don’t like even calling him that or saying that because even though everything about him feels right its like people have such a hard time understanding depression, and what if he doesn’t? And how do I just bring that up? Like it’s fucking embarrassing. What I hate the most is I can’t control any of this. There’s no fucking hey i want to hate every little thing about myself today/ i fucking love life today switch. Like there just isn’t so fucking understand it. Understand that i could have a great day and then look in the mirror and want to fucking die right there. Sorry if that’s far to blunt. but seriously thats how quickly you can be up and down and it fucking sucks. It really fucking sucks. and I really try and take it one day at a time but everyday it’s something fucking else. And I think things would be a lot easier if everyone could just understand it. Understand that I’m going to cry and be upset for reasons I should not have to explain because I don’t want to put my problems on anyone else and have anyone worried about me, i just want people to know when to back off and say okay we get it and we love you. It’s just not funny to me anymore and i’m so sick of down playing what i’m going through and i’m so sick of how well i have learned to hide it all. it is fucking ruining me.
the US is unreal like girls cant wear shorts to school, you can literally lose your job for being gay, and unarmed black children are brutally murdered on the regular but old white ppl r still like “what a beautiful country. i can freely carry a gun for no reason and some of our mountains look like presidents. god bless”
"You’re not a bad person for the ways you tried to kill your sadness. "
can we just take a moment to realize that not only did it paint an elephant it painted it to give the illusion of depth
I love elephants more than anything
#1: read this
#2: stop reblogging this
we need to keep reblogging so people see your comment and know
"We are afraid of losing what we have. "